Better off not reading this entry if you dont wanna feel--you know--a bit gloomy as I am writing this entry.

I juat remembered a song by Usher that I used to sing a lot when before I came to seattle.

"why don't you go your way..and I'll go mine. Live your life and I'll live mine...I'll be fine" the rest of the lyrics..I forgot! =) Actually, this song doesn't give me any meaning right now, but it did before. I was so broken-hearted back then. =p. Now that I look back to those days, I feel so dumb. I don't know why I was so broken-hearted just because of those guys!! Haa! I have lots and lots of experiences with boys, if you wanna knoe. I've been cheated, i cheated, whoa..that's a lot of stupid things back then. But now that I changed, I know that I can't be like that anymore. I can't...you know...hmm..i can't find the right word,,but let's say..appeal as alluring as before. You know..I was like that. I tried to grab the attention of people around me. And I succeed! I had lots of boys came to me..well, not that a lot though. this is kinda embarrasing, but it's gonna help me, I'm sure. cos right now, I'm not in a good mood. In indo, I met with all my friends again, and with the boys to whom I was close with. It's kinda dragging me back to the old times. Somehow, sometimes, I feel like I wanna go back to the past and be a person I used to be. But i know I can't. I'm so far away from God also, even though all the people around me are living their lives as if they are priests or sumthin. I hate everything that I see, but at the same time, I also enjoy it.

hhh....you may not understand what I feel right now, but it's so hectic here inside my brain!! yeah...I don't understand myself!! I don't understand my purpose!! can you imagine that!! I don't know what I'm living for? for a better future? for my friends? for myself? for God? for parents? for school? for community? for what??? who am i? what's my identity? what is my significance? I want to be unique and different, I dont wanna be the same as everybody else, but can I be different? Do i have something that differ myself other than anybody else? Do I have the courage to stand up? hhh....life is confusing.

Many times, I am reminded by the answer of my questions, that my purpose here is to serve God, to be a tool for God and my identity is the child of God. but, somehow, I dont feel satisfied with that answer. I don't understand why...strange isn't it?

anyway, gtg now..I gotta pick up my brother from school. see u later, my blog...

-ica-