I haven't been updating this blog since a few days ago and there's just so much I need to write here. Right now, my motivation to write this blog is not right. I realized that. And Lord, so, I need Your forgiveness and Your grace to be upon my life. Change my heart. These words are from my heart. Amen.

1. I went to fall retreat with Campus Crusade within Seattle area during the last weekend. It was from 3 days and 2 nights. The place was one hour away from here and it was amazingly beautiful. The moment we arrives there, there were only 7 international students, including me. It was an intimidating moment. I was afraid. What made it worse was I didn't want to come to the retreat. My heart wasn;t there. My heart was somewhere else. *my friends went to the cornfield and haunted mansion during freenite. I really wanted to come*

The first night, knowing that I couldn't concentrate during the sermon, I prayed to God about how I felt, about how I not wanting to be there. I asked for God's forgiveness that night and for preserverance so that I could hold on to God for the next 3 days. God helped me. Even though, sometimes, I tent to follow my flesh. I felt so guilty. I tried so hard to keep myself awake during the sermon. =_="

I got the 3 main sermons during the retreat. First: it was about the adulteress woman. It was in John 8 I guess. We looked at this woman and saw that no matter how big your sins are, God forgives you. God brings you into His arms, He bowed down and reached you out. God doesn;t condemn you. He NEVER condemns. So, we got to start to stop doubting and start believing in God. Second: It was about Hagar in Genesis 22, if I'm not mistaken. Hagar was the servant of Abram and Sarai. Sarai couldn't have any child, so she told Abram to come to Hagar and have a child from her. And so, abram came to Hagar and she's pregnant. After she's pregnant, she started to look down to Sarai. So, Sarai blamed Abram about this, but Abram said "she's your servant, do whatever you want to her." So, Sarai abused her so bad that Hagar finally ran from them. In one place, she met with God and God asked "Where are you from and where are you going" Interestingly, Hagar only answered one of the questions. She didn't answer where she wanted to go. This sermon, I think, -- well this is my own perception -- is about God asking us. We know where we are from, I know where I am from, but I don;t know where I am going right now. Where will God take me? This still remains a mystery for me, to be honest. Third: This was about Thomas who doubted that God has risen. To begin, Thomas was not a significant person among the 12 disciples, he never showed any particular miracle like peter or john. BUT, God chose him. God chose him to be His follower. Why?? Cause, God could see what's inside Thomas. He could see that there;s something inside Thomas and He believed in Thomas. He wanted Thomas to take a part in His mission, in His party. He invited Thomas to come and celebrate together. That's exactly what God feels toward you and me. He believes in you, He believes in me. He wants me and you to take part, to say yes to His invitation. Bottomline: God has forgiven you and me, God asks now where you and me want to go, God sees something inside you and me that He can use to bring glory to His name, what is our respond. Yes or no?

However, I felt, I didn't get anything during the 3 days in CCC retreat. I kept on sleeping during the sermon. That's awful. That's embarassing. As leaders in CCC, well, secretary, I am obliged to keep my commitment to God with all my heart. But, those 3 days have proven me enough that I didn't do well as a leader.

I told my friend about this. he said, even though my heart wasn't there, even though I kept on sleeping, even though I tended to follow my flesh, I learn at least 3 new things.

1. preserverance. I learn to presevere. During the sermon, I chose to preservere instead of just sleeping and follow my flesh entirely.
   
2. my decision to follow the retreat. God saw that. I really want to believe that God put my decision into consideration. I decided to choose retreat instead of going with my friends.
   
3. Self control and feeling control. I may felt intimidated, down, disappointed with the program, and not wanting to be there, but I resisted to give up. Instead, I kept on praying to God to show His plan more and more to me. Since the first day I prayed so that I could learn something new coz I didn;t wanna go home without something new from God. I set the expectations on God.
   

And I am SURE enough that IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF GOD. the old me, would never be able to be like this. the present me, or the future me will never be able to do this without God. IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF GOD. THANK YOU GOD.

2. The next part in my book of life. =) I had statistics quiz today and I felt so down, so disappointed in myself, so angry to myself. I couldn't do anypart of the quiz, I mean, gosh, this is the first time during my college time. I mean, I have never failed a class or even got below 3.0, and I am so sure this time I will get below that point. To be honest, I really wanna say "this sucks" Forgive me Lord. I won't say that again. Well, i didn't study really well though. I had retreat during the weekend. We went there on Friday evening, right after my classes ended and we were back on Monday evening and at night I had sunday service in my church. I had 3 hours free time during retreat and me and my friend were supposed to study together. but we were so sleepy that at last, we didn;t study at all. Oh well, it's my fault. I hate myself for being like that. I am so cranky now. seriously....I know I;m not supposed to be like this. I know that GPA doesn;t determine my future, but it;s just embarassing to get a score like that. Nothing I can be proud of later on. It's all about my pride. I don't wanna lose my pride. I figured it out now. I also don't wanna disappoint my parents. i want to get the scholarship and I want to graduate with a high score. I want to keep my accumulative GPA above 3.2 blah blah blah. I'm regretting myself.

Lord, get real with me right now. I know, I;m writing my prayer to You and it has a risk Lord. I'm sorry if my motivation in writing this prayer isn't right. I ask You know Lord to help me and change my heart. Lord, I'm not in a good mood, I'm holding on to my pride. Lord, I ask for Your FAVOR to help me not being prideful anymore, help me studying my math so that I can understand it fully, help me to not giving up in seeking You each and everyday, help me to get real with You. I pray Lord, that all these things do not stop here, that You'll keep on molding me. Nothing, Lord, nothing that I do will please You. Amen.