If you ask me about how I feel right now, to be honest, I don't really know. I feel mad, I feel angry, I also feel guilty and I regret everything that I've done.

When I think about it, almost all my entries are talking about my depressions and stuff. I feel...my life is sooo...you know...it seems as if I'm self-pitying myself rite now. But, you know what, I don't care. I just want to spill the bins out of my head and then at the end, I know I'm not supposed to grumble like this. I'm sorry, Lord, if I keep on quarelling and grumbling, but I just wanna share my feelings, that's all.

I don't like them. Them refer to some of my friends. They are all my friends, I like them, I TRY to care for them. I don't wanna fight with them, I want them to be happy, I want them to enjoy their lives here, making friends with each other, cooking together in my house, fellowshiping with each other in MY apartment. But WHAT HAPPENED WAS CERTAINLY NOT WHAT I WANTED AS A RESULT.

SInce the past 2 weeks, almost everyday as I got home, they were already in my apt. Either they're cooking together, playing together, studying together, anything...They did just anything. Then, once the day almost ended, they went home, leaving me and my roommate with things to be cleaned and tidied. Well, they did help us to clean up things, but it started to annoy me...a lot. I liked it though, see, this is what I called as a difficult situation. I like hanging out together, but NOT everyday!

They kept on coming, I appreciated what they did, but I wanted to have my own time, my own privacy, my private time. What can I do? Tell them to go? No way, man...it's not gonna solve the problem. it will make it worse instead. i hate this situation for sure. worse, my roommate doesn't seem to care at all. well, she's having fun and i'm okay with that. I tried to...you know...set aside my stupid grumbling and let them having fun, but today was just enough. I didn't do my homework, I don't wanna stay late at night to...you know.,..do my stuffs, BUT I couldn't resist to stay and play with them. SO, I regret myself, I hate my decision, and I hate them. ISn't that selfish?? Yes, that is.

Lord, I know I;m being so selfish today. I didn;t say anything, but basically, I ignored them all. I act as if they're not there. they're talking, I responded but that's it. I didn't have any fruitful fellowship with them. I regret myself, Lord. Lord, forgive me for who I am, for what I do, for what I say, for what I think. Forgive me, for what I feel. I don't know how I'm supposed to act, to do. I'm worried that the thing I'm about to do is not according to Your will. How to differ Your will from my will?? How come it is so difficult for me, now?????? How come?

I wanna scream, I wanna shout, but I don't wanna self-pity myself. Oh Lord, I talked too much already. Don't You think it's time for me to stau quiet and listen to Your voice? Tell me, Lord. Tell me when should I stay quiet?


Obeying You. What is the first step?? what is the first rule to obey?? You want me to so it step by step, so what is the first step??

Having a close relationship with God. Daily devotional with HIm. Pray to HIm and spill it out to HIm. Stay quiet in HIs presence, not for the sake of other people;s expectation, but because of God, cos God stirs my heart.

Lord, I want the heart that's wanting to be close to YOU!! Amen.