I'm in Stockton, California right now, at my friend's apartment. Arrived here on December 16, 2006 at 3:09 pm. Using Alaska Airlines. I'm here to visit Deena, my high school friend, along with my other friend, Karina. There is actually one more person, Renata, but she couldn't make it since she's in Indo right now. Anyway, even though we're having fun here, we realized there is something missing between us. Her existence. But we can only pray that she's gonna be alright in Indonesia and that she'll have fun there. =)

Anyway, traveling out of state like California is my first time!! Well, my parents don't usually permit me. Besides that it costs a lot, they think I'm still a 'girl' that I can't take care of myself out there. However, I think it's God's divine plan. =p I was about to go to Hong Kong instead, but the tickets ran out and the trip was canceled. I mean, only my trip that was canceled. My dad, mom and brother will still go, without me. =( I was sad at first, since they'll go together with friends to whom we are close with. I imagined shopping with Ella, my childhood friend and sharing stories together, but it didn't turn out that way unfortunately. So, that's why my mom allowed me to be here. My 'money portion' to go to Hong Kong, is being sent here to cover my holiday trip! Yey...=) I like this.

So, the point is, I learned so many things here. being in another state, another situation and different people around you, it surely changes your mind set. It's kinda hard to adjust to the condition around me. I mean, being in my friend's apt with her parents is certainly weird for me. I am not really good-well, I used to be good, but I don't know, that skill disappears-in talking to adults around me. Thank God her parents are awesome!! I miss my parents back in Indo. =( Her mom cooked me Indo food and gave us desserts, breakfasts, etc. We're treated so nicely here. =)

Now, I have a few problems. I have a problem with a girl in my Church. let's say her initial is C. Well, I was close to her before, but yeah, probably that's my fault for not getting close with her anymore. I mean, I used to stay over at her apt, but now, I have my own apt, so i think, I need to stay more in my apt and take care of the things there. that's why I can't catch up with stories they used to share in C's house. Well, to make it short, we're not close anymore.

So, there's one night where we met together to discuss our drama plan. Rudy, the leader, told us that he needed some people to fill in the roles. He said he needed this, that, and a 'singer'. Then, he said that he found the singer already, which was me. then, time flies, we discuss other things. Suddenly, C suggested to Rudy "why don't we use Joy to fill in the role? She can play drama and her voice is good too." Well, when I heard that, I pretended not to hear anything. I hoped and still hope that I misheard that, that she wanted Rudy to replace my position.

days before, I prayed to God that He would guide me in this singing thing so that i won't be prideful and stuff. and I pray for the heart of worship, not showing off the talents that He gives me, but to worship Him and to let God work through me. but when I heard that, I felt that serving God is hard, is heavy, especially when friends are against you. I don't know what to do. C wouldn't look at my eyes when she talked to me and we barely talked that night. We barely talked the next night we met again to do the practice. She talked to the others, like the new students, like angie, ayu, taw", rudy. but she barely talked to me. I don't know why.

i know I'm not supposed to focus on this thing, but it annoys me so much. I can't go and sing while knowing that she's not happy with me. Well, there are always people who don't like you. And also, I can't accept the fact that the closest friend of mine said that it's okay and it's hard also to be in her position. He said that she didn't mean to do that, that it's her character, blah blah blah. Well, I know I have to feel that way too, but LORD!!! It's way too hardddddd!!!! Seriously!! This is ridiculous!! I have to forgive her and I have to say sorry at the same time for whatever things I did, unconsciously or consciously. I can't accept the fact that because she's struggling with her character development I have to also feel depressed. i can't accept the fact that because of her fault in the past, she becomes bias at me!!!!! I'm sooooooooooooooooo...........this doesn't make sense at all.

Okay, Lord, my Shepherd, I know what I'm supposed to do. I'm not to focus on this problem. i want to say sorry for this thing, but to be honest, I still can't let go my feeling. I don't know how and bring me to lay in your green pastures so that i don't have to worry about all this things. I want to serve you in christmas party, not because of my strength. well, Lord, it's up to You, up to YOU, whether You want to use me or other people. just, work in me. While doing my mission here in Stockton, i want You to be in total control of my mind and my attitude and my everything. I know You are a great GOd, almighty God and You are ABLE to do ANYTHING, including CHANGING MY MIND SET, THE WAY I SEE THIS PROBLEM, A HEART OF WORSHIP. AND I PRAY THAT WHATEVER THING THAT I DID TODAY, I'M SORRY IF THAT DOESN'T PLEASE YOU, BUT CHANGE ME DAY BY DAY AND I WANT TO LEARN FROM YOU DAY BY DAY. I FEEL CONDEMNED RIGHT NOW, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY, FORGIVE ME LORD AND TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG IN MY HEART. I DON'T WANT TO STAY LIKE THIS. GIV EME YOUR PEACE AND YOUR JOY IN MY HEART. BUT I WON'T GIVE UP ON YOU!! LISTEN TO ME, I WON'T GIVE UP ON YOU! THANK YOU FOR THE DAY LORD. I'M ANXIOUS LORD. I'M ANGRY LORD. I'M JEALOUS LORD. I'M PRIDEFUL LORD. I'M EVERYTHING THAT'S BAD. I'M DOUBTING LORD. LORD, PLEASE HELP ME. I DON'T WANT TO DOUBT YOU, LORD. YOU ARE ALREADY IN MY HEART. LOOK AT MY HEART, YOUR SHEEP'S HEART AND REPAIR IT. PROTECT ME. I SURRENDER MY LIFE INTO YOUR HANDS. AMEN.